I am alone.
It is over. There is only darkness.
/////
I must make the effort to tell what has happened. I have
persevered all this time, relating both the good and the shameful. I
must not falter now. If this is ever heard by another, the end must
be told. It is a part of the story. I am not so great a coward as
to stop before the end.
We left the place of our final camp, the place where Paine ...
Paine and I so fiercely coupled ... and set out on the path to the
the Travel Agency where Rin held sway. It was hard going so we did
not talk much. The sun was low in the sky when I spotted the trail
leading up to the main Highroad and led the way.
We emerged at a clearing across from the Agency and, looking at
the others, I decided to let them recover their breaths and organize
their thoughts before forcing them to recognize the necessity of
taking our individual ways. They sprawled on the ground or wandered
about aimlessly for a while - most of the time, the area around the
Travel Agency is neutral ground and hence, safe. After a while when
they seemed less exhausted, I called the other three to me and told
them we must separate in order to save at least some of us. No one
wanted to hear this and there was a brief squabbling but it was
decided I was right and the work to overthrow Yevon and his
priesthood – principally the Maesters - was greater than our
personal wants and needs. Gippal and Baralai would try to escape
together but if that proved to be too dangerous, they would make
their own individual ways to Luca and re-unite there. Paine was
stiffly silent as I told her to take refuge with Rin. He may be Al
Bhed but he is a gentleman and would protect and assist her. Her
eyes glittered and she just kept shaking her head and clutching her
camera as though it was a talisman. I pulled her to me and kissed
her before I turned to leave.
I kissed her before I killed her ...
/////
I have only flashes of what came after that. Standing with the
other men. Moving without my cane. Holding a gun. Firing. The
feel of the sphere-camera lens against my palm.
Paine's eyes - as wide as oceans. Falling. Drowning.
I was standing in the dust, a gun dangling from my hand. I could
see Paine lying not far away, blood on her white skin. I flung the
weapon away and fell to my knees at her side. I could not touch her
at first. It was not real ... she was not sprawled there like a
broken toy. If I did not touch her, it was not real. ... I remember
throwing my head back and howling into the fading sun, then I
gathered her into my arms. Her head fell back limply and her eyes
were closed, her mouth slightly open and no breath lifted her breast.
I pulled her to me and called her name. Nothing. I kissed her
lids, her mouth, her throat. She did not stir. She is dead and by
my hand. It cannot be otherwise. I was there with a gun and she is
dead from a wound. I love her and she is dead!
I looked around for the other two. They were lying side by side a
little way off, blood seeping into their garments. Why? They were
all dead and I must have done it. I was the only one who could have
done it. Why? Why had I killed them all? The three humans who were
closest to me in my entire life and I slaughtered them like fiends in
the wilderness. There was no need to check Gippal and Baralai; I
have seen death often enough to recognize its presence and I could
not bring myself to release Paine from my arms. It was only my arms
which kept her warm. ... She must not grow cold. ... I love her.
I wish I had been able to tell her how much I love her while she
could still hear me. Now I know I am capable of love. I will not
use the past tense because I love her yet. I love her...
She was an unexpected gift in my life, one I did not sufficiently
appreciate or deserve. My stubborn pride tormented her when I could
have made her happy. She was more courageous than I have ever been
in her willingness to risk everything on so chancy a throw as to love
me. And her devotion has brought her to this. Why? Is it still the
curse of the pyreflies and whatever lethal aura permeated that cave
and now infests me? Or was it the innate madness of my essential
self manifesting again? Why Paine? Out of the four of us, why could
she not have been the one spared? Why did I do it?
/////
I was more than half way to Luca, lurching like a drunk in the
middle of the High Road before I was able to think coherently again.
Whatever had caused the event, it was done and could not be undone.
That part was over. I must put it aside and follow the path before
me. I am Nooj the Undying, the champion of the Crusaders, the
Deathseeker. There is no softness in my life and I shall seek my
quietus on the battlefield as soon as I can find an honorable place
and time.
I left them there, all of them, in the dust of the clearing.
There was no more I could do for the bodies. Paine ... Her hair
falling over her face. I laid her straight so that she would be
beautiful when she was found. I am not sure but I think I wept. No!
I do not weep! The crimson eyes closed. Her mouth ...
The incident at the Travel Agency was part of a separate world,
one in which I made the effort to become as other men and abjectly
failed. I am the half-machina creation of the engineers and the
vivisectionists, the limping machine designed only for killing. My
destiny is laid out like a straight road on a flat map. There are no
byways, no other paths to follow. I am the monster of death. I do
not love. I destroy.
I found a small packet of capsules in my pocket. They are gold in
color with little seed-like objects suspended inside. I vaguely
remember they were meant to be used to ease severe pain. Well, I
will not be needing them anymore. Nooj the undying Taydrcaagan does
not permit pain to exist. Paine ...
I have dropped the capsules into the ditch by the road. They are
hidden there and will rot.
