197S9.9.24
[Nooj]   [Gippal]   [Baralai]   [Paine]

This is the most absurd planning I have ever experienced. Each time I think this group of Uninformed Militarily Illiterate Blackguards can do nothing worse, they prove me a liar. After the unnecessarily brutal ship voyages to and from Bikanel, after the murderous slog across the vile desert of that Yevon-blighted land, after the compromise of my honor due to the quality of the dregs they took into their misbegotten excuse for an army, after all that – they land us back where we started – at the Mushroom Rock Road. I couldn’t believe it when I saw those familiar cliffs looming as we approached land. Back at the Mushroom Rock Road! In the name of all the forgotten gods of this abandoned planet in this ignored universe, why here? What was the point of sailing us to the Island of the Masochists if only to return us to our starting point? Is this their idea of a sacred joke? Are we to be herded back on that rickety ship and transported somewhere else as they giggle and pretend it was all intended to work out this way? Or will they simply drive us back on board, sail out to deeper waters and scuttle the damned thing? I am a rational man and I can make no sense out of this action. If they wanted to train us hard, they could simply have chased us into the Thunder Plains or the Calm Lands and spared both them and us the ordeal of sweltering on that ... boat for days on end. They could have marched us up and down the Highroad for as long as seemed essential if a long walk was what they considered training. And done it without giving us water if they wanted to see how we responded to thirst. Damn them for a bunch of soft, stupid, slug-like psychopaths stooping at the shrine of Yevon. May their corrupt souls be eternally devoured by hordes of minute stinging fleas which will feast on that which is given them until the ends of time and the death of the moons.

I am afraid I became too free with my language this morning when I recognized our destination. It was bad form on my part. A captain should not curse in front of his men and I think I may have offended Paine. Or maybe not, I thought I noticed her giggling behind her hand when I turned suddenly to apologize. Well, at least I won’t have to choke down any more of the capsules against the sea-sickness. I had begun to dread the sight of them even though I remain grateful for their good effects on my overall comfort.

Last night was a strange one. I cannot recall any time in my life when I have felt more a part of something outside my own skin. It was as though for a short time, I was a normal and ordinary man, uncontaminated by that driving force which has possessed me from my earliest memories. I felt at ease and, for a small miracle, laughter came without effort. Until just at the end when the talk of a Great Calm reminded me of all I have not done and must do.

Paine lay in my arms and we did not discuss the understanding which had passed wordlessly between us. I hope she knows I am giving her as much of myself as I can. Never before have I stayed with a single woman so long or with such contentment. She fulfills me in ways I had not known I was lacking. She would make me fully human if such a thing was possible any longer. Her unstinting acceptance of what I am and what the world has made of me lets me believe for however short a time that I am not the loathsome grotesque freak I know myself to be, that I am not totally repulsive to a woman of beauty and discernment. In her arms I am once again a complete man if only for the time I am permitted to stay in her arms.

I thought Gippal would hurt himself laughing when he, too, saw we had merely sailed in a circle. Baralai seemed somewhat alarmed at the way Gippal was hysterically howling from the sheer humor of the thing. The Alchemist appeared puzzled as if he had expected something different. I often wonder exactly how much of the mind-set of the priests and Maesters he absorbed during his time among them. It is not that I distrust him; he has proven himself completely loyal in many ways. It is that I am aware of how the infection which is Yevon can burrow its way into the mind and heart. And the lad had been under the influence of the pernicious religion for so long it would be surprising if he did not have some remnants of that sickness still within. So it is not abnormal that I should wonder just where he expected us to land.

Immediately upon our disembarking, I was told to keep myself in readiness for further orders. I have done so; I have also organized those whom I still consider my responsibility here along the road, distributing what supplies have been made available and I have cooled my heels to the sounds of feasting and much revelry from the tents of the Mighty Conquerers of the Sands of Bikanel. They are sparing themselves nothing while we, their myrmidons, wait their pleasure. Damn them to the hell of their own begetting. And they consider themselves the leaders of an army. They do not have the capabilities to lead a battalion of fleas along the limbs of their own unwashed bodies. Bah!

/////

I have been released from my duties to the larger group of those who traversed Bikanel and am from this moment responsible for only my own Group Five. The teams from the other destinations have landed and new teams have been formed from the survivors of the ‘training’ the Maesters imposed upon us. I cannot tell how many have died in all but the mass assembling along the road seems markedly smaller than the one which marched out all those days ago to such boasting and pomp. The Maesters seem pleased so they must have achieved their purpose of getting rid of a number of us one way or another.

As usual, the commands are to hurry up and wait. I am accustomed to that in the army but this crew of autocrats exceeds anything else I have ever known. It would appear we will not be given our fresh orders until the morning so I am leading my group to our old camping site where we have water and privacy. I think the ending of this venture is near and we should take advantage of our comforts while we can. Later, maybe we can walk down to the target field and exercise while occupying ourselves. I should like to see how much my aim has improved now that I have been regularly using a gun.

When I told the other three my proposals, they agreed with enthusiasm. Gippal immediately tackled poor Baralai and they engaged in an impromptu wrestling contest which the Al Bhed lost. He will never learn he can’t beat the deceptively willowy Alchemist at hand-to-hand combat. Give the man a machina weapon and he is awe inspiring. Disarm him and he is not. Early training always shows in the end. Baralai was tutored in the basically non-lethal techniques from boyhood as part of his preparation for the priesthood. Gippal grabbed a gun in one hand and a knife in the other as soon as he cleared the birth canal. It is very amusing to watch them grapple. Gippal with his endless optimism and Baralai with his resigned competence.

Paine rarely indulges in their juvenile play any longer. She will take the time to drub Gippal occasionally and rubs Baralai's nose in the dirt when she thinks he needs it but she usually just bats them across the back of the head when they get too obstreperous. She is not a lady of endless patience. I wonder how much longer she will put up with me? I have a feeling we are overdue for a serious talk and I do not know how to initiate one. Pillow talk is no good for this; it cannot help but merge into more incoherence. Maybe we can meet by the pond and speak together. We’ll see.

/////

There are few things more welcome than the opportunity to submerge one’s entire body in a pool of cool clean water. Happily I availed myself of a good supply of the soap I prefer when I left the hospital. Since I am due to go back for what is euphemistically called a ‘wellness check’ in a few weeks, I should be able to replenish my stocks before they run too low. I feel as if I smell like me again. Gippal will replace the desert-grade lubrication in the machina limbs tonight with the more water resistant and durable type and I shall be ready for whatever the Maesters – may their bowels rot and drip from their lower orifices – have in mind.

Paine has agreed to join me here shortly. She will want a wash and then we shall sit and try to reach some sort of understanding about our relationship. I know I should have been more subtle in my statements but I am not a diplomat or a cozener. I don’t know any way to introduce a subject except bluntly. So I just told her I thought we should talk about some things and she agreed. I am hoping that here, where we first learned one another, we can begin to explain the things which are pulling us apart. We usually see most things the same way ... I am blathering

/////

I am dazed and incoherent.

I hope I said the right things in the right way and that she understood what I was trying to say. I do not have the gift of a smooth tongue like Gippal nor an ingratiating manner like Baralai. I am what I am, a plain-spoken man with few charms and no persuasion. But I think she understood.

I do not believe a man such as I have become is capable of love and so I could not say the words to her that I hear other men say to their women. All I could do was make the effort to let her know how valuable she has become to me during these past weeks. I tried as best I could to tell her what it means to me to have her beauty in my arms and her body next to mine in the nights, how grateful I am for her acceptance of my scars, my temper, my bad behavior. How I shall miss her when she leaves and will be both the richer for having known her and the poorer for having lost her.

Above all, I tried to communicate as clearly as I possibly could the truth of my feeling for her. I told her she has been my reason for continuing to live, that without her I would have long ago found a way to stop my heart. That seemed to matter more to her than any other thing I said. She sat with her usual quiet concentration and did not shift her eyes from mine save to close her lids from time to time and crease her brow. I don’t know what that meant and only hope I did not hurt her or cause her to doubt my sincerity. I am glad she did not cry but that might have meant she understood what I was so awkwardly trying to tell her.

When I had finished, she wrapped her arms around me and burrowed her head in the hollow where my right shoulder joins the neck and nuzzled there for a long time. I held her as tenderly as I could although I was raging to merge my whole body with hers and become one person finally and forever.

Then she told me. ... I did not know. I feel so stupid, so unspeakably dense not to have understood. I have never been loved before. Yes, I have had other lovers, some only for a night and some for longer. I have shared my bed and my body with women since I first became a man but this? No, never have I been given so magnificent a gift as this. She loves me. She told me about events earlier in her life, things I would never have asked her and would never have expected her to tell me. She opened her mind and soul, laying out all the treasures she has and offering them to me. I am humbled and ennobled at once. She loves me. I did not expect this and I am still vibrating like a struck harp.

I bent before her and kissed her feet, savoring the roughness of the desert calloused skin. Every inch of her is divine and flawless. She is a goddess made incarnate for my personal pleasure. I undressed her like an acolyte unveiling the image of a deity and eased her down on the fragrant grass and stroked her as though I was forming her out of the memory my hand has kept of her shape. I touched every part of her with my lips and my fingers, worshipping her as I relished her sweetness.

When I had shed my clothing as well, I gave myself up to her gaze and touch. We learned one another anew as if we had been strangers before this moment. Our coming together was like a melding of universes. We were protean, all things at once. And we were one, I felt every molecule of her; I became her. And she was become me. Time stopped and we lay wrapped in one another while ages passed, worlds were born and died, the stars flickered out and new ones were lit. She loves me.

/////

Other things took place in the afternoon. We went down the Road to the old Highway and found our target range still intact. We shot a few rounds. I did not pay much attention to how I did, being still focused elsewhere ... somewhere beyond. Gippal and Baralai cut their usual capers, rolling over the terrain like a pair of bull pups. We came back to this camp and made a meal of what the Al Bhed had caught during the day.

I moved through those hours like a man walking in a dream world. There is no knowing what the others thought of me, except Paine. She was at my side whenever I looked, more often than not looking back at me. We were isolated in a private, prismatic globe of understanding. I have never before in my life known anything like this. I am warm and content, all the bitterness drained and even life has a fresh fragrance and taste; it is the morning of the world. I feel like I could open my mouth and laugh so loudly and freely that the sky would echo it back in a great shout of joy which would transform the planet. My laughter could transmute Sin into a force for peace and happiness. It could bring the end of killing and war and misery and woe. I am the source and center of light, the epitome of all that is good. I am the sun and all the lights in the darkness. I am the moons and the silver glow on the white flesh of my love. I am alive and loved!

Now to the quiet pond in the shadowy glen. Now to the arms of my lady. I have so much to prove to her, so many assurances to make. I shall pray that the sun oversleeps.

 

 

 

Ahahahahahah! Go figure. Here we are back on Mushroom Rock Road. Man, hearing Noojster curse like the sailor he isn’t was just about the most educational experience in Spiran I’ve had since I started learning it. Yeah, I’m fluent and I don’t think many people can really tell it’s not native, but I definitely had to dig out the little pocket Spiran dictionary that I haven’t had to use since I got here. Man, those were some creative words for pufamc. I’ll have to remember them!

Yeah, so we all disembarked in a hurry – and they actually searched us this time. I guess they did it to make sure no one stole any more uniforms. I put the one I had back… it’s not like I ever wanted it in the first place. I don’t know why anyone would willingly steal one of those anyway.

Last night, before Baralai came and joined me in my little cubbyhole, I managed to nearly get the knife finished. It’s kind of hard to work on that in plain view, since it could be thought of as a weapon and I’m sure the Maesters would take it away from me if they found it. But it’s almost done, I just need to do a little bit of final work on the handle. The blade’s in beautiful shape. I can’t believe I managed to get it that sharp with this auxiliary tooth I had left over, but that’s something to remember for the future. Maybe the different hardness of the second one worked better with the blade. I don’t know, but it worked, and I’m going to remember it.

Not like I’m ever going to make another chrysknife again, but you never know.

Now, I think, I’m going to try to finish it while the others are distributing supplies. I’ll tell them I’m off to catch dinner… it doesn’t take very long to grab a fellant at all, but they don’t need to know that.

/ / / / /

Why do they rush us only to make us wait? What is this garbage? What are we even waiting for?

Noojster admonished me for asking so many questions. I think he gets sick of me sometimes. But then he turned around and actually asked for a lubricant replacement, which I of course agreed to. I didn’t get nearly as much time to do any of this while we were training, and I probably won’t in the future, so I might as well take my time and do it carefully.

Of course, before that, we’re going to head down to the old road and try to figure out if the place we all hung out before is still there.

Lai told me last night that he was worried it would be the last night we could spend together. I tried not to let it bother me, but I guess it still did. I mean… well, whatever. I admitted it to myself last night when I woke up and saw the ocean and the moon and, most of all, Baralai… yeah. I’m attached to him. I really am, and it’s not just because I like vilgehk him. It doesn’t make sense and it probably really shouldn’t be this way, but I think he’s… pamujat. What’s that in Spiran…? Beloved.

Beloved.

Cred. Didn’t I swear several years ago that this wasn’t going to happen? Okay, so maybe it hasn’t been several years, but it sure feels like it. Am I really still sixteen years old? I feel like I’m thirty. These past few days… this whole Crimson Squad training thing, actually, it’s all made me feel old.

That sucks.

I guess I know it’s true, though. Pamujat. I can tell every time we wrestle and he doesn’t hurt me, when I don’t actually fight him but it’s just an excuse to tangle our limbs with each other’s, to touch and tumble across the grass (or dirt, as the case was today) like we aren’t about to face a life-threatening situation tomorrow.

At least we have one more night together before going into the final bit of training. I don’t know what they plan on making us do here, but it can’t be all that bad. What is there to threaten us here?

/ / / / /

Noojster’s sure acting funny. He kept wandering around in this weird daze with… yeah, I don’t believe it, but a smile on his face. What’s up with that?

But anyway, we went down to the old shooting range I set up all those… well, days ago. It feels like years. But it was still there, and we all shot a few rounds. It really wasn’t anything spectacular, aside from Paine not loading her machina properly and having it kick violently on her and knock her on her back. Ahahah. It was funny, yeah. We all laughed… well, except Noojster, who just stared and smiled. Creepy.

I taught Lai a little bit about cooking tonight. He applied some crushed plant he had found to the skin of the fellant and made it taste really salty. Of course, that’s like a private thing now… when I said it tasted salty, he just looked at me and said ‘like the sea’.

Yeah, that’s what he said to me last night, that I taste like the sea. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not, but when he said it, I could hardly believe he had any sort of malicious intent. Lai never does… at least, not to me. I believe that he could easily manipulate other people if he felt like it, but he’s always been mostly truthful to me.

The fellant had some really little, fine, sharp teeth. Lai’s gonna go off and take a bath in the pool before night completely falls – I did that the first thing today, when we got here – and while he’s gone, I think I might finish my project here. He always takes a long time, anyway.

/ / / / /

Cruudehk cdyn is what it says. Oddly, the name carved on the handle looks more like a decorative inscription if anything. I wrote it in Al Bhed, but using Spiran-style lettering. It all looked so curvy and swirly that it really just looked like random designs. I wonder if Lai’ll ever figure out that it actually says something.

Yeah… he came back from his bath earlier than I thought, or maybe I lost track of time. Either way, he caught me as I was finishing the last bit and brushing the chips off. I guess it could’ve been a lot more of a formal thing, but when he asked me what it was, I just told him it was a gift for him.

To which he blushed. I love it when Lai blushes.

I had an old leather sheath that went with a knife that’s now embedded in the dead corpse of one of those sandragora in Bikanel somewhere, and it fit the new chrysknife pretty well since it was big enough to accommodate the curve of the blade, so I put them together and handed it to Lai. He acted like he didn’t know what to do with it.

I guess he’s never seen a blade like that before. It’s a lot different from the steel blades he’s probably accustomed to, and a lot lighter. Plus, it’s milky white and slightly curved, because it’s a tooth. I told him what it was from, and he just looked at me with this reverent awe expression that he gets sometimes when he looks at Nooj.

I told him to stop it. That freaks me out.

Anyway, he drew the blade to look at it, and immediately cut himself with it. There is an old legend, sorta, that says that once a chrysknife is drawn that it must taste blood before it can be sheathed. I never believed that – it’s an old tale, and I never cut myself with mine – but it was almost weird how it happened. It just sliced Lai’s thumb right open, leaving a trail of blood along the edge of the blade, and the knife just kinda soaked it up in the way that chrysknives do sometimes, depending on how old or young the sandworm it comes from was.

I don’t know what made me do it – probably the same thing that made me take Noojster’s hand after disposing of those syacdanbecdumc – but I just reached forward and cut my own thumb along the edge of his blade. I left a trail of my own blood, along the line where Lai’s was.

After a few moments of just staring at it, Lai asked me the weirdest question. I can still hear it in my mind, exactly the way he said it. “Aren’t I just a,” and then he stumbled on the word, hesitating, “battle boy to you?”

I can’t believe he still thought that. I mean… did I treat him that way? I didn’t think I did. He’s even older than me… someone can’t be a ‘battle boy’ if they’re older. Or bigger, for that matter.

But, then again, I can’t even really fault him for it. I tried my hardest to keep him as that in my own mind, too.

I told him he wasn’t. His eyes glinted hopefully at me, but there were really no words. I couldn’t say it. I just… couldn’t. I was scared. I’ll admit that… I was so scared. I don’t know of what, exactly… that someone would hear, that it would insult him, that he would reject me, or… that he would say he felt the same way. I don’t know what scared me more.

But… somehow, I think he understood. Even if I couldn’t say it, I think he got it. That’s all that matters to me.

 

 

 

I...must be seeing things.

Those cliffs...they can't be.

I refuse to believe it. It must be a part of Mount Gagazet or maybe the cliffs near the Calm Lands.

They couldn't have...

/////

They did.

We're back on Mushroom Rock Road.

When he realized this, Nooj broke into a string of invective the likes of which I've never heard and Gippal howled his amusement; I honestly thought he'd rupture something for how hard he was laughing. Even Paine seemed amused by it. I...cannot see the humor in this. I just don't understand any of this at all.

Why would they take us out to the torture of the desert only to return us to where we started? What was the point of that? Why does it seem as if they were just trying to cull the numbers, to make us less of an army and more of an unsorted assemblage of men? Do they want us all to die? Are the Maesters and their priests trying to kill those of us who volunteered to take up weapons against Sin? Are we just to be fodder, even if we do survive? Was I always so blind that I could put my unerring faith in these men who seem to know nothing and who will not even lift a hand to save another's life?

Every time I think of the Maesters and their decisions, I seem to find only questions and no answers. I cannot even begin to guess what the point of any of this is and I'm scared to think of the implications of that. No, maybe not scared of the implications...maybe scared that I had been such an unthinking sheep under their word and influence. If they cannot handle even a small group of men with skill, how can they handle the souls of those who believe? How can they guide the faith of all who follow Yevon, if they cannot even guide a broken army of men? How can they truly speak Yevon's Word with such filthy lips?

I cannot believe that I once would have laid my life down for them!

...but it wouldn't have been just for them. It would have been for all the souls in Spira, for all those who would have lived in the Calm, free of Sin and free of worry. Even if the Maesters are corrupt, the idea and the hope behind the Summoning must still be true, right? That, at least, cannot be shaken.

/////

Once again, our orders are to wait and they'll announce our final trial tomorrow.

I must have looked a little upset when this was announced because Gippal decided to tackle me. Naturally, this quickly devolved into our usual bout of wrestling in the dirt, but the usual competitiveness and fight of it was gone; it really just seemed more of a chance for us to be close together and to be able to touch each other freely...or maybe it was just Gippal's way of distracting me from the worry that we won't have a chance to be like this again.

When I went to him last night, I told him that I was so afraid that it would be the last time we'd be able to be together and he did his best to assure me that it'd be alright, that, even if we were separated, we'd still find a way to be together. It was so easy to believe that when he was holding me, when I could see and feel and taste him; now, while we sit here and wait for the Maesters to determine our fate, it's not so easy.

I know this should be the last of my concerns, but it weighs so heavily on me. He's become so close, so important to me that I can hardly imagine not waking up to that groggy, adorable grin. He's opened my eyes and shown me so much that I'm almost afraid that I'll regress back to the blind little priestling if he were to go. I've become so attached that I can't even pretend to believe, any longer, that this's just a case of two friends using each other as a way to relieve built up stress. Of course, if that is true, then it's likely good that our time is coming to a close; I'd hate to see the shock--or maybe even the revulsion--in Gippal's eye if he were able to discern my true thoughts in a moment of passion.

If he needs me to just be his battle boy, then that is what I'll be for him.

/////

It's so odd to be back in this place where it all started, to see the place where we made our first camp as Squad Five and to visit the range on which Gippal taught us all to shoot; it may sound odd for me to say so, but this place almost seems haunted.

I swear that I can almost see the four of us as we were then--a mismatched group more likely to kill than to help each other--and it shocks me when I compare it to how we are, now. I cannot imagine what allowed us to grow into this cohesive squad--let alone into a group of close friends--but I am so thankful for it. I can't really trace when or why the changes happened, but what does it matter? We carried each other through. We learned to grow and to adapt to fill each other's weaknesses. We taught and we helped each other to survive whatever pain the Maesters put before us and we not only triumphed; we also found strength and comfort and kinship in each other, the likes of which I've never experienced. No matter what happens tomorrow, we can say that we truly won, just for these facts.

...it is a bit odd, though.

Ever since we returned to the shooting range, Nooj and Paine have both been acting a bit odd. They both seem to be moving and acting as if in a daze and I have yet to see them really tear their eyes from each other; this is probably why Paine neglected to load her gun properly and ended up falling onto her back. Thankfully, she was uninjured by this and, when Nooj helped her to her feet, she looked as if she had never been happier. I'm so glad that they've finally managed to find the happiness they've so needed in each other and I only hope that they find a way to preserve it through this trial; maybe, tomorrow, I'll have another reason to fight. Maybe I can try to protect them both, so that they can continue in the euphoria they found in each other.

Some good may yet survive through this.

/////

Gippal taught me a bit about cooking a fellant, tonight, and I offered my Yunalesca's Tears to season it. Of course, I didn't tell him that the herb I crumbled over it had a strong part in the Summoner's tradition--I don't think he nor the others would have eaten it if I had--but it only seemed appropriate. No, this wasn't my last meal before going to claim the Final Summon, but it could well have been the last meal I will have with the people who are closer to me than blood; if I cannot share this bit of myself and my memories with them, then with whom could I?

The strong salt taste was a good reminder of the sea we crossed--twice--to come to where we are, as well as all those who were not strong enough to make it...even if the others seemed to think it was a bit too salty. Gippal said as much and, before I could stop myself, I answered that it was like the sea, much as I had said about him the night before. I saw a glint of recognition in his eye, but I'm still not sure if he took that as the compliment I meant it as. I wasn't sure how to convey this to him, so I simply smiled and inclined my head slightly; how could I tell him that the taste of the sea will now always remind me of him, of the comfort and the care he gave me? I really can't without sounding like a sentimental fool.

As I made my way to the pool to bathe, Paine pulled me aside for a moment. She still seemed a bit distracted, but she did manage to ask me to show her how to make Nooj's pain pills next we have some leisure time. I promised I would, but, thinking on it, I'll take a route which will not take from the needed time with her lover; she seems to understand the basics of alchemy well, so I'll simply write out the basic instructions and I can slip them in amongst her supplies. I'm sure she'll find the paper in the morning and, if she has any questions, she can ask me about it. I'm sure she'll be fine and, this way, Nooj will have his relief, no matter what may happen.

/////

I'd be sure that the time since I slipped that paper into the bag containing Paine's unused spheres had been a dream, if it weren't for the thin cut along my thumb and the old leather sheath sitting against my thigh. It still doesn't feel or seem real, no matter how many times I replay the events to myself. Then I remember the warm look in Gippal's eye and the way he looked at me...

After I finished at the pool, I slipped the instructions for the painkillers into Paine's supplies and, that done, I went to find Gippal. I found him still by the fire, but he was hunched over, working on something. Sitting by him, I watched him brush a bit of dust and bone chips from what looked like a very pale, slightly curved knife and, when I asked him what it was, he told me that it was a gift for me. This surprised me into a slight blush, but it was worth it since it caused Gippal to offer me that same cute grin he always wears when I blush. I immediately tried to tell him that he didn't need to make gifts for me, but he just sheathed the knife then handed it over to me.

I had no idea what to do or to say, so I simply sat there and stared dumbly at the worn leather sheath. I tried to find words to thank him for the gift or any other way that I could express my gratitude, but the silence dragged on for quite a while. Finally, Gippal filled it by telling me that the knife is called a chrysknife and that it was made from the tooth of the sandworm which he'd killed in the desert.

I could only stare when he told me that.

To think that he would not only give me the prize of his kill, but that he'd take the time to shape into so fine of a gift; I simply couldn't believe it. It was such a warm, kind gesture and the tooth was such a symbol of him, of his strength and his perseverance over the desert and its creatures, of his culture and his blood, of the most difficult part of our journey...yet he chose to give it to me.

I must have stared for a while since he got this embarrassed look about him and told me to knock it off, that it freaks him out when I stare at him like that; I guess he doesn't like unbridled admiration as much as I had thought? Regardless, I drew the knife so that I could look more closely at the blade, but my hands must have been shaking slightly; the blade was no sooner clear of the sheath than it traced a long, thin cut along the length of my thumb.

The blade was so sharp that it really didn't hurt at all and no sooner had my blood fallen on it than the milky white blade absorbed it. I was fascinated by how the chrysknife seemed to drink in the blood, but I was more fascinated--or perhaps shocked--when Gippal reached across and cut his own thumb on the section which had just cut me. Much as before, the blood was soaked in, but I couldn't stop staring at the area where it had just been.

It astounded me.

Our blood was now blended in the heart of the blade and would remain so until the chrysknife is broken...perhaps even longer. It was such a serious gesture and it formed such a deep, lasting bond; it was hard to believe that he would knowingly perform such an act for nothing more than a battle boy.

Reaching across, I took his bleeding hand with my own and, though I dreaded the answer, I couldn't keep the question from my lips; I finally asked him if I really was nothing more than a battle boy to him. He fell silent for quite a long while and I watched as a range of emotions traveled across his features, disbelief prime amongst them. I was just about to call back the question, to laugh and to tell him that I had only asked jokingly, when he finally told me that it wasn't true, that I wasn't just a battle boy to him.

Such relief flooded through me that I thought I would burst! I wanted to thank him for that, to tell him how glad this knowledge made me, but I couldn't find words; it was as if I had forgotten every word in every language I had ever learned, so I could only try to convey to him through my eyes how much it meant to me. I...think he understood. I think he knows that I love him, that I need him. He didn't flinch back from it, and I'm glad. Maybe the words aren't needed, after all...

I'm going to go thank him properly, now.

If this is really going to be our last night together, then I intend to make it a night Gippal will never forget.

 

 

 

Mushroom Rock Road? Mushroom Rock Road?

They put us through all that just to bring us back where we started?

Given the meaningless detour I took through Bevelle back at the beginning of this adventure, I can't say that I'm really all that surprised. Efficiency has never been Yevon's strong point. And it's been rather amusing watching everyone's reactions. Gippal fell over laughing at the absurdity of it all, and he's still leaning against the railing, chortling randomly. Baralai just looked confused, and a little tired, and he keeps throwing worried looks at his boy. As for Nooj, I thought he was going to have a heart attack when he saw Mushroom Rock rising up before us. His eyes bulged out, his hands clenched into fists, and he let out a burst of invective. I wouldn't have thought someone as reticent as Nooj would be so creative in his vulgarity. It was the foulest and most inventive stream of insults and crude language I've ever heard, and that includes the Al Bhed lessons. I couldn't help it -- his reaction was so unexpected that I found myself snickering. Then he realized what he was saying, and he shut up so quickly, and turned to me with such a sheepish apology, that I forced myself to stop laughing, even though that was if anything even funnier. He should know by now that I'm not likely to blush at a little cursing. Or even a lot of cursing.

We'll be docking in a few minutes. I wish this voyage would never end. I've never experienced a time like this -- fresh sea air and salt spray filling my senses, time spent with true friends, long nights with my love, few responsibilities and much conversation. I can't imagine much better. Even with the awkward moment last night. I wouldn't change a minute of it.

I wonder what they'll do with us now, and if our plan will work. The moment of truth is coming.

/ / / / /

Nooj came back with his orders. Or, more accurately, lack of orders. He's been released from his larger command and is now back in charge of us alone. Supposedly we'll learn more in the morning, although given the Maesters, I wouldn't be too surprised if we sat around for another week.

Since they don't seem to care what we do, we headed back to our old camping ground. I know this sounds ridiculous, but there's something comfortable about being here. I almost feel as though I've come home. We're probably going to hit the shooting range this afternoon, assuming it's still there. The boys are wrestling again and have been all morning. I realize that it's the safest way for them to show their affection for one another in public, but I wish they would just give it up and hold hands or kiss or something. It grows tiresome at times.

/ / / / /

He wants to talk. I guess we need to, I know we need to, but I am so afraid. This almost scares me more than the specter of the sand-bear.

But he's waiting for me at the pool, and I agreed to meet him there. Best to get it over with.

/ / / / /

I--

I've been sitting here with my pen hovering over the paper for several minutes because there's so much to say that I don't know where to start.

That wasn't at all what I expected. Nooj-- he said-- he told me-- I am completely incoherent. I can't gather my thoughts.

We're going down to the shooting range in a few minutes, maybe I'll be able to write sensibly when we get back.

For the moment, maybe it's enough to say that I did not know that it was possible to be so happy, to be so at peace with the world, to be so in love with someone. Everything is different now. The entire universe has changed.

/ / / / /

Target practice would have gone much better if I'd been capable of paying attention to what I was doing. My thoughts were completely consumed by my meeting with Nooj, by his presence at my side. So I loaded my gun wrong, and the kickback actually knocked me on my ass. The guys laughed, and I felt like an idiot for a minute, but Nooj just smiled and helped me up, and then it didn't matter any more.

When I met him at the pool, he had already bathed, dressed, and reclaimed his old boulder. This one is a little too tall for even him to sit on, so he leans against it, just enough to take the weight off his left hip. I took a quick dip, then joined him there. Normally, I would sit at his feet, but today I was too nervous -- I would've felt like he was looming over me. So I stood next to him.

And then he took my hands in his and began to speak. His words were halting and nervous, but the things he said to me were like poetry to my ears, despite his bluntness and the occasional awkward pause. He told me how much I mean to him, how beautiful he thinks I am, how deeply he appreciates that I "put up with" (his phrase, not mine) his scars, his moods, his difficult behavior. He said that I have enriched his life and that he will miss me desperately when I leave.

When I leave? He's been expecting me to leave him? How could he have so little trust in my feelings for him?

And the scars -- I don't really notice them anymore. They're just another part of him, like the machina. Sometimes I even forget that he can't feel it when I touch the machina limbs. I don't care what he was before. I love the man he is now.

I wanted to tell him these things, but something stopped me; I could see that it was difficult for him to speak so plainly about his emotions and that he wouldn't appreciate an interruption. Soon, I will have to make sure that he knows.

But then-- he told me--

Nooj told me that I give him a reason to live, that my presence in his life has kept him from making another suicide attempt, that he would have been dead long since without me. I couldn't believe it. Part of me still can't believe it. It was exactly what I'd dreamed of hearing, what I had convinced myself couldn't possibly be true. And yet it must be true, because Nooj never says anything that is not. I couldn't look at him for a little while after that; it was just too much. I had to close my eyes and swallow hard to hold back tears.

That was the last thing he said. Completely incapable of speech for a moment, I stepped forward into his arms and wrapped my own around him, burying my face in his right shoulder. I stayed there for a long time and just held him, feeling his warmth and his life, my own emotions building up in my heart until I couldn't hold them back any longer. Finally, after I had drawn the courage I needed from him, I turned into his neck, and I said the words I had been so longing to say: "I love you."

He stiffened in shock, just for an instant, and I realized that he hadn't known, possibly hadn't even suspected. Then he relaxed with a deep sigh and tightened his arms around me, breathing my name. He dropped his face into my hair and kissed the top of my head, oh so gently.

And then I told him everything, all the truths about myself and my life that I have held back from everyone for so long. I wanted him to know me, to understand what manner of woman it is who loves him. I told him about the warrior monk father and tavern cook mother I can barely remember and about losing them in one of Sin's many attacks on Kilika Port; about being taken in as a temple orphan, where the cruel and abusive matron had no idea what to do with a girl who had more interest in swords than in dolls; about the warrior monks who adopted me as their mascot and taught me how to fight, and how some of them forgot themselves as I got older and started looking more like a woman and less like a child; about how I had learned from them too well, and how I managed to steal a sword and kill the ringleader, my body mostly intact but my spirit in tatters; about taking flight from the temple in terror for my life, stowed away aboard a boat bound for Luca, where I found a gang of other children who also had nowhere else to go; about my three years running with them on the streets, the stealing, the fighting, the companionship; about the former street kid turned Crusader who helped me get the recorder job at the stadium. All this and more came pouring out as Nooj held me, stroking my back and my hair, just listening, absorbing all that I shared with him.

When I was finished, he looked into my eyes and thanked me. For loving him, for opening my life to him. And then he knelt down before me and kissed my feet. Literally, his lips gently pressing against the top of each foot, the insteps, my toes. It was the sweetest gesture I could possibly imagine. Then he stood and undressed me, slowly and carefully, as if he were unwrapping something fragile, and laid me down on the grass. He stroked me with his eyes, with his hands, with his mouth, touching every inch of me with reverence. Then it was my turn to explore every corner of his body, attending equally to the marred and to the unmarked, merging him into an unbroken whole with my kisses and caresses. When we joined at last, mouths and eyes and bodies meeting, we melded into single being, no longer Nooj and Paine but something new and different and perfectly beautiful, with no divisions or boundaries between us, existing in a moment out of time and space.

We have mostly returned to our separate selves now, but I feel a piece of him that he left behind, fitting perfectly into the space left by the part of myself that I've given away. He looks at me with utter peace and joy on his face. I have never seen him like this, never. Not even in sleep was he this carefree, before today. It's as though I've given him another balm for pain, except this one has relieved the pain of his spirit, of his soul. Looking at him, feeling the waves of contentment that pour out of him, I can almost believe that he's changed his mind about seeking death, that he is content and even happy to live. I don't quite dare hope for that, though; it would be too much bounty. For now, it's enough to bask in our happiness. In our love.

He never said the word love, but he didn't need to. It was and is there, behind every word he does say, in the gentleness of his touch, in the softness of his expression. But in a way, it doesn't matter. Knowing that I am binding him to life is more important, far more meaningful to me than a thousand I-love-yous. It is my greatest fear relieved. I only hope he understands that.

I think I'll ask Baralai to show me how to make the painkiller the next time we have some leisure, just in case our plans fall through and we're separated. If Nooj lives because of me, I owe it to him to make that life as easy as possible.

Dinner finished some time ago and my love's eyes are beckoning to me from across the fire, where Gippal has just finished tending to him. Yes; he knows that the answer is yes. I'll go make my request of Baralai and then follow their call.

 

 

 

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