Writings of an Owlmoose

Summary: After the tragic death of their newborn child, Nooj and Paine must find a way to rebuild their lives together. A sequel to The Dynast by Ikonopeiston.

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Promises

Chapter Seven

It had been a tiring day for the Meyvn. Dona had come by earlier, thankfully without her muscle man, to make her usual check on the residents of the Castle and inventory the supplies so as to replenish them as needed. It had been completely routine but, as the senior person in the menage, he had felt it needful to be present and polite.

Now he had been waylaid by Gippal, who insisted on making some critical adjustment to the prosthetic leg. Since Gippal was spending so much of his time amusing Jarl and keeping him from fretting, Nooj did not feel comfortable in refusing his friend’s offer. And, if truth be told, the leg was getting balky and unresponsive, as was the machina arm. Regular maintenance had suffered during the recent crisis.

“Now, lie there and don’t twitch,” Gippal ordered Nooj as he rummaged in his unfolded kit for a specific tool. “There’s a cam that’s worn down unevenly and I’ve got to replace it. It won’t hurt. Sorry, I know you’d rather it did.”

“Are you trying to be funny?” Nooj grunted. “Why are you sounding so snarky these days?”

“Hey! The man’s learned a new word! Not like you, Noojster. Snarky? Nah, I just figured any man who can even think of leaving a great kid like Jarl for no real reason must sure love pain — and I’m not talking about the kid’s mother.” Gippal set his jaw and dug around behind the prosthetic knee, emerging at length with a small round object in his pointed pliers. “Got it! Now I sure hope I’ve got a replacement.”

“So do I. I’m not eager to go back to crutches while you send for a part.”

“Bet you were glad some Al Bhed were around to put you back together after Sin was done with you. Or, maybe not.” He sifted through a tray of cams, all of which looked exactly alike to Nooj. Finally, Gippal chortled, “Aha!” He held up one of the multitude and, larding it with clear lubricant, inserted it into place. “Go on. Bend your knee. See if that’s better.”

Nooj did as instructed. “Much better. Thank you, Gippal.” He started to rise from the elevated couch only to be pushed back down.

“I’m not done. I want to clean and grease all these moving parts. Might as well do the job right.”

Nooj lay back and surrendered to the engineer’s touch. “We appreciate all the attention you’re giving Jarl these days.”

“Who’s ‘we’? You and Paine back together?”

“Not your business, old friend. What are you and Jarl plotting about?”

Gippal shrugged and resumed his task. “We talk about the things on his mind. He’s trying to decide what he wants to be when he grows up. He’s got this idea that he has to follow you and Paine and be a Warrior and he’s not sure he’d be a good one.”

“Great Ixion! I hope you’re talking him out of it. There’s no place for the sort of Warriors we were in this world. It’s a job for people like that mountain who follows Lady Dona around. There’s no honor or heroism in the profession any more.”

“I’ve mentioned a few more directions he might think about.” Gippal giggled, an unlikely sound from his mouth. “None of them seem to suit his fancy right now. You might want to dredge up some suggestions yourself in case he asks your advice. Speaking of Jarl, you care if I take him over to Kilika for a few hours today? He seems bored with nobody his age around.”

“No, if you can put up with him that long, go ahead. We haven’t been giving him all the attention he needs lately. Maybe we shouldn’t have tried for a family. We don’t seem to have much talent for being parents.”

“Aw, you’ve had a rough time. Jarl wouldn’t be such a great kid if you didn’t do something right.” Gippal tossed a sudden grin at his morose comrade.

Nooj was silent for a time as his friend continued to work steadily and smoothly. When he spoke again, it was on an unexpected subject.

“She has come twice to my room at night.” The words were soft and came slowly, as though he were remembering a dream. His face was mostly hidden by his forearm, which he had flung across his eyes.

Gippal carefully held his hands steady and his tone flat. “That’s good.”

“She gets lonely.” There was another long pause. “She seems to think if nobody sees her it doesn’t really count. We don’t talk. She imposes silence.”

The Al Bhed continued with his meticulous adjustments, only making encouraging grunts as he worked, keeping his eyes on his job.

“In the night it is much like it used to be but she won’t stay and she won’t let me … tell her … oh, forget it. I shouldn’t have said anything. Damn it, Gippal! What am I going to do?”

“You’re going to do what you have to to convince her. Tell me the truth, are you ready to renounce Death? Are you really prepared to play honest with Paine and give her what she needs? Half-good won’t cut it any more. You’ve already used up that game. Are you going to change?”

But Nooj had frozen into immobility, retreating into the citadel of his mind, and could give no answer.

-x-

The boat bumped gently against the boards of the pier as the steersman flung the hawser over the post, pulling the vessel close to the disembarkation point. Gippal leapt lightly ashore and held out his hand to pull Jarl up to the dock. “We’ll be back in a couple of hours so go ahead and do what errands you need to get done.” He grinned at the boatman and handed him a coin.

The man at the tiller promptly bit the coin and grunted with satisfaction as he felt the confirming yielding of the pure metal under his teeth. “Yes, mon. I’ll be here when you need me.”

“C’mon, kid. Let’s see what’s to do in this place.” Gippal gave a merry swing to the hand linked with Jarl’s.

“Why did you tip him, Unca Gippal?” Jarl looked up with a puzzled expression. “He has to wait for us; it’s his job.”

“My boy, it’s never a mistake to make sure of the loyalty of the man who holds your only way out of a place. Someday that piece of advice may save your life so remember it.”

Jarl fell silent and looked nervously around before tightening his grip on his uncle’s hand as they strolled away from the wharf.

When they reached the main boardwalk, they were immediately swept up in the life of a trading town. Men and women gathered to hawk various wares and to gossip in clots along the way. It was impossible to stride quickly because of the density of traffic. At a number of places, arching bridges connected the two paths on the opposite sides of the central canal. Even there, small clusters of people were leaning on the railings and idly visiting. Among the adults attending to business, threads of boys and girls of various ages darted like dragonflies in their colorful scraps of clothing or the defiant bareness of their tanned skin.

Jarl unobtrusively slipped his hand out of Gippal’s before any of the boys running along the narrow passages could notice. He half sheltered himself behind his guardian and nervously watched the laughing children. “What am I supposed to do?” he asked under his breath. “I don’t know any of these people.”

Suddenly he felt a hard slap between his shoulder blades and a high-pitched voice yelled in his ear. “Tag! You’re it!”

He spun around to see a flash of brilliantly white teeth in a small face as his assailant spun around twice and then ran away.

Gippal gave him a little shove. “Go on, they’re inviting you to play. Have fun.”

After a moment’s hesitation, Jarl set out after the one who had tagged him with an air of determination. If this was what he was expected to do, then he would do the best he could. Within a few steps, he was surrounded by a crowd of children, all eagerly asking questions and telling him about the game they were playing. Their shrill, rapid voices sounded like the piping of a chorus of insects as they merged into the crowds, the pale limbs of Jarl distinguishing him from the native islanders.

Gippal smiled as he watched his ward being so casually and easily incorporated into the culture of childhood. A couple of hours of this and the precociously mature Jarl should be ready for some peace and quiet. Certain that the lad would be safe in the company of his peers in this child-friendly village, he turned his steps toward the gates at the edge of the settlement, hunting a cafe where he could pick up what news was being passed around.

-x-

As the afternoon drew on, Gippal found himself relaxing in the pleasant atmosphere of Kilika. It was restful being away from the hothouse ambience of the Castle and talking to people who had no overwhelming emotional baggage on their minds. The light gossip he had heard mostly concerned who was cheating who in the marketplace and who was counterfeiting which goods for sale. He’d drunk four glasses of tea, emptied his bladder twice, bought some souvenirs, including a bangle for Paine, and was beginning to think of looking around for Jarl to see if the boy was ready to go back, when he spotted a herd of young ones heading his way, led by a vaguely familiar figure. As the crew dashed by, he reached out a lazy hand and snagged that leader by the arm.

“Jarl, what are you doing? And where are your clothes?” He had not noticed earlier, but his charge was as bare as a finger and showing signs of what would almost certainly turn out to be a painful sunburn.

“Oh, Unca Gippal. Er… they dared me and … well, it would have been sissy not to… so. I had to, don’t you see?” He stared at the man with a stubborn glare that made Gippal think immediately of Nooj. “We’re having a race to the gates and you made me lose. I could have beat them.” Like his father, Jarl had discovered that anger made a convenient cloak for awkwardness.

Gippal sternly repressed the laughter which was bubbling up in his throat. “Never mind. You can race another day. Now go find your clothes; we need to get back to the Castle.”

“Er … I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I gave them to the candy woman.”

“Why?”

“For candy for all of us. Sorry, Uncle Gippal. You won’t tell Father, will you?” Jarl folded his hands over his privates and blushed.

It was becoming even harder for Gippal not to shout with laughter. “I’m not sure. Here, put this on.” He shrugged out of his shirt and draped it over the boy’s shoulders. It came down almost to his knees and served to preserve what modesty he had left.

“Thank you, sir. Mama won’t be too mad, but I think Father would give me a thrashing.” The child clutched the shirt to him and hastily buttoned it up. “I’m ready.”

When they were seated in the boat and half way to the Castle, Gippal asked, “Did you have a good time? Playing with the kids?”

“Yessir. But I think I’d like to have a few days to rest up before we do it again. They asked me all kinds of questions. How do they know about Father? They wanted to hear about his arm and leg and whether he took them off at night and what sort of things he can do. Why should they know so much about our family?”

Gippal thought for a little while before he answered. “Your mother and father are famous in Spira. They were part of the team that saved the world just before you were born, so they’re in the history books.”

“Then you must be in them too, because when I used your name, they wanted to know about you too. How you lost the eye and everything.” Jarl leaned forward, eagerness finally winning out over embarrassment. “Can I ask Dansel to the Castle? He’s nice and not too nosy.”

Gippal sighed and fell back on the parent’s most useful response: “We’ll see.”

-x-

As Gippal had expected, Jarl’s sun-pinked skin had blossomed into a full-blown burn by dinnertime. The boy had been able to slip up to his room and change before either parent had noticed his lack of proper clothing, but he had spent the entire meal shifting painfully in his seat. He had eaten quickly and asked to be excused almost right away; Paine had favored him with a sharp glance before giving permission.

Once Jarl had gone, the awkwardness that Gippal had come to hate descended once again. He’d spent much of the meal observing Nooj and Paine both, looking for signs of change between them, but it seemed that Paine’s nighttime visits had altered nothing. Nooj still picked at his food and watched Paine whenever he thought she wasn’t looking, while she continued to almost ignore him, directing her conversation to Gippal and answering Nooj’s occasional comment with as few words as politeness allowed. As soon as the meal ended, Nooj departed with a stilted goodnight to them both. Then Paine shifted backwards in her seat with a soft sigh.

“So, that’s quite a sunburn Jarl picked up there.” She sipped at her glass of water. “What happened?”

“He was off with the local kids and things got out of hand.” Gippal shrugged.

Paine raised an eyebrow at her old friend. “And where were you while things were ‘getting out of hand’?” Gippal’s mind started to run through possible answers and excuses, but then Paine surprised him by laughing quickly and waving him off. “It’s okay. I’m so glad to see him enjoying himself, I guess I don’t care about details. And that burn will hurt so badly that I’m sure he’s learned his lesson. Don’t worry about it.”

Gippal relaxed back into his seat. “Heh. Thought you were about to go mama coeurl on me there.”

Paine smiled again. “He’s old enough to start taking some responsibility for his own actions. I’ll talk with him. And like I said, at least he had some fun today.” She stood and stretched. “I appreciate all you’ve done for him, and that you took him out today. I know how badly he wants things to go back to normal.”

“He’s not the only one.” Gippal laid his hands on the table and looked soberly into Paine’s face. She flinched and turned away from him, moving toward the door.

“There’s not much I can do about that,” she muttered, shoulders tensing.

“Like hell there isn’t!” Gippal leapt from his seat and crossed the room to her, snagging her arm. She whirled around, and he stared down at her. “Paine. You’ve gotta stop jerking him around like this. Look, I know you’ve spent a couple of nights with him, okay? But you’re just as cold as ever during the day. And it’s not fair to him. You need to make a decision sooner or later. Putting it off isn’t good for anyone. Especially not Jarl, who’s more confused and upset about all this than he lets on. Either you need to commit to making things work, or you have to let him go.”

Paine glared back, her eyes snapping. “Let him go. For Jarl’s sake I should let him go? Tell me, Gippal, how long after I ‘let him go’ do you think it would be before he put a bullet in his head? Or a dagger in his throat? A week?” She snatched her arm back and stepped away. “He was barely able to commit to life when we thought we were happy. Do you really think he’d have any interest in living if I took away the children, too?”

Gippal had started to come after her again, but at these words he froze. He wanted to argue. He wasn’t sure he could.

“If I make him go, he’s as good as dead.” Her rage faded; now she spoke with an eerily flat calmness, the kind that comes after a sudden thunderstorm. “I could never do that to Jarl. I have to find another answer.”

He found his voice again. “And do you know what that is?”

Moving slowly through the heavy air, Paine drifted back into her seat. “I want to try again,” she said. “I still love him so much.” Gippal sat down as well, in the chair closest to her. “But I’m afraid to trust him. He told me before that he had given up wanting death, and I believed it. And he believed it, too — I know that now; he never meant to lie to me. But he still did.” She met Gippal’s gaze, her brows knitted. “How do I trust that it won’t happen again? This Shadow is gone, but what if another one comes, or some other threat to our family? I want to be with Nooj again, but I can’t risk the other children. If something happened to them, I’d never forgive myself. I’ll already never forgive myself.”

Gippal rested a hand on her shoulder. “You didn’t know–”

“You mean I didn’t want to know,” she interrupted softly. “Do you know how much I held back from him because I didn’t truly believe, deep down, that he had changed? I would’ve denied it then, but it’s all so clear now.” She dropped her head into her hands and started to tremble. “I’ve been such a fool, and my daughter paid the price.”

Scooting closer to her, Gippal laid his arms around her shoulders and pulled her into a tight hug. “It’s not your fault,” he murmured. “Blaming yourself doesn’t do any more good than blaming Nooj, or anyone other than Shuyin. If you need to direct your hate and anger anywhere, he’s the one who deserves it.”

“I know,” she said, words muffled by his shoulder. “But it’s hard.”

Gippal stroked her back. “Yeah.” He held her for another moment, then let her go with an affectionate pat.

Paine stood. “Thanks.” She started for the door again, then looked back over her shoulder at Gippal. “You’ve been talking to him; what do you think? Can I trust him? Should I?”

Taking a noisy deep breath, Gippal tipped his chair back and looked up at the ceiling for a minute. “He might need a little more time. I think he wants to change, he’s just not quite sure how to manage it yet.” He leaned forward, the front legs of the chair clanging on the stone floor. “But he’s getting there. I think he’ll figure it out. Just give him a little more time.”

She closed her eyes and dropped her head forward. And with a resigned nod, she left.

-x-

Jarl shed all his clothes immediately upon returning to his room. The maid had drawn a bath for him, as she did most nights, but he eyed it skeptically. Getting into a tub of warm water was the last thing he wanted to do right now. So instead he crawled into his bed only to start tossing and turning — every inch of his skin hurt, even against the crisp sheets. He considered sneaking out of his room and jumping into the ocean, which though warm would at least be cooler than the bathwater had been.

“Jarl?” The muffled call followed a knock at the door, and he sat bolt upright.

“Um. Just a minute!” He jumped out of bed and threw on his nightshirt, buttoning it hastily. As soon as he was decent, he opened the door and rubbed his eyes, faking a huge yawn. “Mother?”

“May I come in?” Paine asked. He nodded and stepped back. She looked at his ill-buttoned shirt, rumpled sheets, and untouched bath, and she hid a smile as she shut the door behind her. “All right, get undressed.”

“Don’t worry about it, Mother, I’m fine.” But hard as he tried, he wasn’t able to avoid squirming against the fabric of the shirt — normally it felt soft against his skin, but today it seemed harsh and scratchy. “I, um, don’t want to.”

Then she did smile. “Jarl, I’m your mother. It’s nothing I haven’t seen before. Besides, I know a little bit about sunburns and how much they hurt, and I have something that will help. Now off!”

Ducking his head with a sheepish expression, he removed the shirt, revealing skin that was almost uniformly burned to the color of a ripening apple. Still, somehow he managed to show a blush on his cheeks, and Paine bit back another smile. She wouldn’t be able to do this sort of thing much longer. But she kept the laughter out of her voice as she ordered him to stand in the center of the room. Once he had done so, she pulled out a tub of burn salve and started to rub it into her son’s shoulders.

Jarl yelped at the first touch, both because any pressure on the skin was painful and because the coldness of the ointment surprised him, but almost right away he began to relax as the burning sensation dissipated. “Ooh,” he murmured. “What is that?”

“It’s a salve that your Uncle Baralai taught me to make,” she said, rubbing it into his back, then down his buttocks and the back of his legs. “It’s especially for sunburn. Works really well, doesn’t it?”

He nodded, then made no further objections as she finished his back side and moved around to the front. Embarrassing as it was, Jarl decided that getting such personalized attention was kind of nice. He idly wondered how she might have reacted if his injury had been more serious. She scooped out another dollop of the medication and applied it to his face and chest, then handed him the tub. “You can do the rest yourself.”

“Thank you, Mama.” He took the salve, sat down on the bed, and began to rub the preparation on his arms and legs. “That feels much better.”

She settled down in the chair at his bedside. “I’m glad.” When he had finished, setting the tub of ointment on the bedside table and lying down, she crossed her arms and looked at him. “All right. I’m not going to ask how this happened. All that matters is this: whatever you did, you aren’t going to do it again. Do we have a deal?”

“Yes Mother,” he mumbled, pulling the sheets up to his chin and blushing again.

“Good.” She smiled at him and lightly kissed his forehead. “See you in the morning.”

“‘Night, Mama,” he said. “Sleep well.”

She paused in the doorway, the innocent wish reminding her of her dilemma. But she betrayed nothing as she looked back at him with a smile. “You too,” she replied. And then she closed the door behind her, her next destination fixed in her mind.

-x-

Soon after, Paine appeared on Nooj’s doorstep. She entered the room without a word and pulled him into her embrace, and then they were back in his bed, reconnecting in the only way either of them knew how.

Afterwards, they collapsed together. She nestled into him; he gathered her close and buried his lips in her hair as she swept her hands over his body. They lay in peace for several minutes, and then Paine turned her face into his shoulder and spoke his name.

“Hmm?” Nooj pulled away a little, startled by sound of her voice.

Her voice dropped to barely a whisper. “Tell me about the Sending.”

He was startled by the question. They had not spoken of their lost child for so long, not since she had last angrily refused his attempts to comfort her. He lay silent, caressing her as he sought for the right words to express that time and how it had affected him.

“I held her in my arms and talked to her. She was so beautiful, like a flower just opening, pink and ivory and smooth. I talked to her and told her how much we had wanted her and how much we had looked forward to her being a part of our lives. I told her how we loved her and always would.” He stopped and swallowed, exerting control over his voice. “Oh, my beloved Paine! She looked so much like you! I told her goodbye and watched as she became a spirit. She grew lighter in my arms and became light itself. So beautiful. There was no pain, no fear. She became light and then faded from my arms.”

He bent his head down to her and she saw that his eyes glittered. Surprised, she lifted a hand to his face and stroked his cheek. In all the years she had known him, she had never seen him shed a single tear; she had known that he was mourning, too, but this evidence of his grief melted her heart a little bit more.

“It sounds… peaceful,” she murmured, her halting words forced out through a tightening throat. “I’m– glad. To hear that. Thank you for telling me. And for being there with her. I’m sorry I made you face it alone. I couldn’t– I wasn’t ready. But I wonder, now. If I should’ve forced myself to be there. Maybe, if I had been, it would be easier to let her go.”

He could not answer, only drawing her fingers to his lips and kissing them tenderly. When he closed his eyes, the tears which had gathered there crept down his face. After a few moments, he collected himself. “I was glad to have the time with her. It made her somehow more real to me. Yuna was so gentle in her Sending and I began to understand why people turn to religion at such times. Beloved, she was a beautiful child and I shall mourn her all the remainder of my days.”

Nooj pulled Paine tightly against him, and she thought she heard a broken sob come from his throat. The sound of his bare emotion dissolved the last of her defenses and she let herself go, allowing tears to well up in her eyes and fall down her cheeks. “I miss her so much,” she moaned. Then she became consumed by incoherent sobs and so could speak no more. She clung to him, crying more freely than she had in weeks.

He held her carefully, stroking the long line of her back and mouthing meaningless soothing sounds against her brow. The unshed tears he had bottled up inside him and which had frozen his soul began to flow unseen in accord with her weeping. This was what they had needed, this communion of grief for the child they had made and lost. He did not deceive himself that she had forgiven him, nor did he forgive himself, but in the union of mourning, they could at least hold one another and share their sorrow at last.

There was so much he wanted to say to her but this was not the time; this was the time for tears, not words, a time for emotion not reason. Holding her body, feeling her flesh against his, he could believe that there would come a time when their wounds would heal and the memory of Polarok would be as sweet as her death had been bitter.

-x-

The sun woke her. Paine opened her eyes and blinked against the soft rays that broke through the early morning clouds to shine through Nooj’s window and across his bed. Glancing up at him, she saw him sleepily blinking awake as well. The urge to disappear rose, just as powerfully as it had the last two times she’d awakened in his arms, but she fought the impulse. She couldn’t run away from him forever. Instead, she swallowed hard, controlled her breathing, then met his eyes. “Good morning.” Her voice cracked, still hoarse from weeping the night before. And when she scanned his face, she could see the evidence of dried tears on his cheeks.

Nooj was quiet for a moment, as if unwilling to believe that she was still here, speaking to him. Then he brought a hand to her face, tenderly running his thumb along her cheekbone. “Good morning,” he replied, his tone still tentative. “Did you sleep well?”

“Yes.” She rested her head back on his chest and tightened her arms around him. He continued to stroke her face as they lay together in contented silence. After a time, she shifted against him and planted a gentle kiss on his neck. “Would you like some breakfast?” she asked.

He sat up, pulling her with him, still nestled into his side, and his hand traveled up and down her back. “Most mornings, I take breakfast in the upper courtyard with Jarl.”

When he did not continue, Paine finished the thought for him. “May I join you?”

His fingers tightened, and she thought she felt him relax. “Of course. I’m sure Jarl would be pleased to see you.”

She pulled free and cast him a tentative smile. “I need something to wear. And I need to wash up. Shall I meet you in the courtyard?”

His hand closed over hers, as though he were reluctant to let her out of his sight. “There’s no need,” he said. “I’ll have a servant bring you fresh clothes, and enough water for the both of us.”

Once again, Paine wanted to protest, but she stopped herself. He didn’t trust her not to walk away again, and in truth that mistrust was well founded. She might well find an excuse not to join them, and she realized that she wanted to see Jarl. “All right.”

Nooj picked up the internal commsphere, then paused, not quite able to shake the fear that he was still sleeping and would soon wake to discover himself alone in the narrow bed, all that had passed recently nothing more than one of his too-real dreams. He turned and blew gently into the spiky hair at the crown of her head. The feel of her pressing against his side and the musty scent of her body assured him that she was actually there, and his firm grip around her waist was more proof that she would not be going if he could help it. He looked at her until his eyes filled with her image and she was all he could see or encompass. For a long, breathless time he thought he would burst with happiness. She was here! No longer a phantasm of the darkness but here in his arms in the light of the day. With the care of a child trying to balance a soap bubble, he wanted to hold the instant and relive it forever or perish before it vanished.

Looking into his eyes, Paine could see all the relief and hope that bloomed there. She leaned into him, and breathed, and gathered her courage for a morning spent with Nooj, trying to convince herself that everything would be just fine.

—

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