Writings of an Owlmoose

Summary: Paine realizes that she didn’t find all the answers she was looking for on her travels with the Gullwings. But will she like the truth she discovers? Spoilers for the good ending of FFX-2.

Notes: The first Final Fantasy story I ever wrote, the first fanfic, the first fiction of any kind in over a decade. I would never write this story today — my thinking about the characters has changed too much — but I really owe it for getting me started. It also gave me small ideas that I’ve explored more fully in other stories, along with the groundwork for Spira’s future that I used in A Guardian’s Legacy,

Metadata: Paine/Nooj, rated PG. Originally posted 4/19/2005. About 6300 words.

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Chasing My Past

“Hey! Paine! Are you even listening to me?”

“Ow!” My gaze into the fire broken, I rubbed my arm, then glanced down in my lap to see the kupa nut that Rikku had grabbed out of her stew and thrown at me. “Sorry,” I said, looking over at her. “I was thinking about something else. What were you saying?”

“I said, what do you think will happen to the Gullwings now?” Rikku asked. “Yunie’s found her man, Shinra’s got a new gig. That’s two of the team gone. Plus, will anyone even care about spheres now that New Yevon and the Youth League aren’t competing for them anymore?”

“Hmm.” I thought for a moment. “I think so. There’s still a lot of mystery in Spira’s past, many spheres to be found. I’d like to keep at it — just because I found the missing pieces of my past doesn’t mean I see no value in searching for other spheres. But whether the Gullwings will survive, I can’t say. ”

Rikku took a bite of her stew and stared into the fire. “Maybe Yunie will stay with us, bring him along. I bet he’d enjoy it, seeing more of Spira, adventuring again.” Then she looked back to me and grinned. “Brother sure wouldn’t love it, though. So much for his obsession with Yunie, right? Plus there’s no way he’d be happy sharing leadership duty!”

“Her boy’s a natural leader, huh?”

Rikku nodded vigorously, her blonde braids bouncing in the firelight. “Oh yeah. You should’ve seen him, Paine — making tough decisions, inspiring us to go on, standing up to Auron and Lulu and Seymour. He was great. He’d make an excellent sphere hunter.” She frowned, thinking again. “But maybe he’d rather go back to blitz, lead the Aurochs to the championship. Or I suppose he could go join the new government, although he doesn’t seem the political type really. Whatever he decides to do, though, I’m sure Yunie will be there with him.” She sighed. “So romantic! Reunited, after all this time.”

I looked over at Yuna and smiled. She was standing on the other side of the fire, her head resting comfortably on her lost love’s shoulder as he chatted animatedly with Wakka, his arm around her waist. The joy didn’t just show on her face; it seems to suffuse her entire body. And everyone else seemed so happy to see him, too — Wakka, Lulu, the blitzers, even the kids who should barely remember his previous visit. Whereas every time I looked at him, I saw Shuyin, the enemy we had just spent weeks fighting, the villain who had changed my life forever and who would have destroyed the world if we hadn’t stopped him. I realized that I felt oddly out of place, a stranger at a family reunion. Suddenly and with a sharp ache, I thought of Nooj, Gippal, and Baralai, plotting out Spira’s future with their lieutenants in Luca, and missed them desperately, despite everything that had passed between us. Much as I liked Rikku, Yuna, and their friends, I’d never really felt like a close part of their gang.

“Yeah, and whose fault is that?” I muttered, putting down my half-empty bowl.

“What?” Rikku asked.

“Nothing.” I sighed, then stood up and stretched. Besaid Village is a pretty place, but the ground is as hard as it is anywhere. “I’m going to take a walk.”

-x-

I found myself hiking up the hill, away from the village. Getting away from other people is always my first instinct; maybe I’m a little too fond of solitude for my own good, but I do my best thinking alone, in a high place, overlooking the world. The moon shone in a clear sky, and insects chirped in the background. I paused at the summit and took in the view of the village, where the fire still burned merrily. It was a cheerful party, and I wondered how my mood had turned so melancholy. Then I snorted. “You know why,” I said out loud. My mind had turned back to the guys. To Gippal, and to Baralai, and to Nooj. Always, always to Nooj. I sat down on the ground. “Why?” I whispered to myself. “Why is it that I can’t just get over him?”

Then I heard footfalls coming from behind me. Instantly I leaped up, ready to draw my sword — Besaid fiends tend not to be active at night, but you never know when one will decide it wants a midnight snack. I turned around, then quickly dropped my hand from the hilt. “Oh, hi Lulu.”

Lulu inclined her head slightly. “Paine. Sorry if I startled you.” She walked up beside me and looked out over the view. “Lovely, isn’t it? It’s nice to see the village and the seaside together. It reminds me of just how small our island is.” Gathering up her skirts, she sat down on the edge of the cliff. I joined her, my legs dangling over the ledge.

“Where’s the baby?” I asked.

“Sleeping,” she replied, and smiled a little. “It’s nice for a new mother to get a little time to herself every once in awhile, and I thought it would be a good time to take a small break from the party. He’ll be fine with Wakka for a little while.”

“Ah.” I nodded slightly. We sat in silence for a few moments, drinking in the sight of moonlight on the ocean.

“So,” said Lulu after a time. “How does it feel to have saved Spira?”

I glanced sideways at her. “Are you expecting the standard answer — proud, relived, humbled, happy to be of help — or do you really want to know?”

She returned my look, one eyebrow slightly arched. “Whichever you want to tell me.”

Suddenly I realized that she’d been in this position, too — a hero, savior of Spira. Maybe she’d experienced similar conflicted emotions. But how far could I trust her? “To be honest, I haven’t thought about it much,” I replied. “I’m pleased, of course — it’s always good to win a battle, especially an important one. But I didn’t go out there looking for battles. I certainly wasn’t expecting to go save the world! I don’t think any of us thought things would get so heavy.”

“What were you expecting?” asked Lulu.

“Well, that’s an interesting question, I think. All three of us were out there looking for something different. Of course, we all know what Yuna was looking for,” I said, waving my hand over the village.

“Yes.” I could hear the satisfaction in Lulu’s voice. “And there’s not much doubt that she found it.”

I peered at the tiny figures below us. I could just make out two people sitting by the campfire, completely wrapped up in each other; her dark head next to his bright one, glinting in the firelight. I suddenly felt a lump in my throat, part happiness, part jealousy, and I swallowed hard. “As for Rikku, she was looking for adventure, and companionship, and ways to help people. A basic quest, easily fulfilled.”

Lulu nodded. “That’s Rikku in a nutshell.” She looked toward me again. “And you? What were you looking for?”

I drew my legs up and folded my arms across them, resting my chin on my knees, gazing off into the starts. “Answers. About my past. Something happened to me a few years ago, and I wanted to know why.” I stopped short for a moment, considering what to say next. Could I really tell her the truth? I barely knew her. But Yuna thought so highly of her — maybe that was enough. “Has Yuna told you anything about me?”

“Not really. Just that she likes you and considers you a close friend, that she wishes you would open up to her more but understands that you’re a private person.” She smiled at me. “And that you remind her of me in that respect. Whatever you tell me, Paine, is in the strictest confidence. I won’t even tell Wakka. But if you don’t want to talk about anything, that’s fine, too.”

“Thank you,” I said, surprised. Whatever I had been expecting, this wasn’t it. But I suddenly realized that I was gratified to have an opportunity to speak freely. “It’s a long story, but I’ll give you the short version: Not long before you guys defeated Sin, I was with the Crusaders as a recorder for the Crimson Squad. I followed a small team of candidates, recording their actions for later review. We all became very close friends. Then a training exercise killed most of the candidates. My team and I were the only ones to survive, but we were separated — betrayed, I thought. I wanted to discover the truth about the accident and learn why we were able to get away. And I did: it was all because of Shuyin. He was the cause of the deaths, and the instrument of our escape and betrayal.”

“Really.” Lulu regarded me, thoughtful. “It must have been very satisfying to finish him, then.”

“No argument there,” I said. “It was for Spira, but it was also for me, and my friends, and everyone in the Crimson Squad.”

“Of course.” Lulu paused. “So that’s it?” she asked. “Was finding and defeating Shuyin your answer? Did you discover all the truths you were seeking?”

“Well.” I thought. “Well, no. I didn’t. ” And as I said it, I realized it was true. That’s why I couldn’t stop thinking about Nooj and the others — I still needed some answers, answers only Nooj could give me. I’d found closure on the events of the cave themselves, but not for everything that came before and after. I didn’t speak for a long moment. Then I turned to Lulu. “How would one book passage from here to Luca?”

“Is that where your answers lie?” she asked.

I nodded. “Yes. As a matter of fact, I do believe that’s where they are.”

She stood and, reaching her hand down to me, helped me to my feet. “Come on,” she said. “The ferryman is probably still awake. Let’s go talk to him.”

-x-

Two days later, a loud knock on the door woke me. “We’ll be docking in Luca in 20 minutes,” a sailor called out. I opened my eyes and rolled out of my bunk. I hadn’t arrived in Luca by water in years. “Okay,” I said to the empty cabin, “let’s go see.” Stretching, I grabbed my bag, exited the cabin, and walked up the stairs to the roof of the ferry. I took a place at the railing, watching as the blitzball stadium appeared in the distance.

It was a perfectly gorgeous Spira summer morning. The sky was a brilliant blue, only a few wisps of cloud floating in the distance. My childhood had been filled with such days; too bad we were too busy worrying about Sin to enjoy them. I found myself wondering how it would feel to be a child today.

Watching the port was fascinating, and I spent the rest of the trip just looking. The blitz stadium was filling with water, glistening with colors in the sun, as blitzers waited and stretched in preparation for the first practice of the day. Ships danced in and out of the docks, sailors flying over their riggings. A few airships floated in the sky, and I wondered at how much Spira had changed in just two years. I could have gotten a ride here from Buddy and Brother, but I wanted to experience the sea. Also, the Celsius would have gotten me here in a matter of hours, and it had been good to have time to think on the trip.

Eventually the ship docked. All right, I thought. No more putting it off. I raised my bag to my shoulder and walked off the ferry. A guard in old warrior monk garb stood at the end of the dock, and I went over to him. “Which way to the offices of the provisional government?” I asked. He pointed to his left, and I was on my way.

-x-

I’d found a room at an inn, dropped my bag, and ate a light lunch at the blitzer pub. I’d spoken to no one, and no one had talked to me. Now, fortified by food and solitude, I silently approached the entrance to Nooj’s office and paused, taking in the scene. There he sat, facing the doorway, at a table littered with spheres and papers, engrossed in a document. His long brown bangs fell into his face as he concentrated. He was a breathtaking sight, and I realized at that moment just how much I had missed him.

I took a deep breath and, heart in my throat, rapped on the doorframe. Startled, Nooj looked up from the table. “Paine!” he said, placing his hands on the armrests of his chair, preparing to rise.

“No need to get up,” I said, entering the room. “May I join you?”

“Please,” he responded, reaching across the table to gesture at an empty chair. “Have a seat.”

Slowly, I walked toward the chair and sat. Nooj put down the document he’d been reading and watched me, a thoughtful look on his face. “What brings you to Luca?” he asked. “Looking to help us put Spira back together? We could sure use your mind, your drive.”

I laughed. “Me, a politician? Please. And I’d be an even worse diplomat. Need some ass kicked? I’m your girl. But I’ll leave the talking and arguing to others more suited for the job. Like Baralai, and Yuna, and you.”

He smiled. “I’m not sure I agree, but I won’t argue with you. Anyway. How have you been since you took off before our big assembly?”

“Well enough,” I said. “You probably heard that we went back to Besaid and found quite a surprise there.”

“Of course, although I’ve mostly been hearing gossip, not much in the way of hard facts. For one thing, no one seems to know his name.”

I thought for a moment. “You know, not only did I meet him, I spent a day with him on the ferry from Besaid to Kilika. But I never learned his name either. Somehow we never got a formal introduction, and no one ever seems to use it in conversation. So strange that I didn’t notice that. I’ll have to ask Yuna the next time I see her.”

Nooj chucked. “So he remains a man of mystery, then.”

“Well, we did talk quite a bit on the ferry — he told me about his life in the dream Zanarkand and his battle against Sin.”

“Is he very much like Shuyin?” Nooj asked.

“Physically, yes. They couldn’t quite be identical twins, but the resemblance is strong — same blitzer physique, blue eyes, bleached-blond hair. The facial features are startlingly similar. It’s pretty clear why Yuna thought that he might have been the person in those spheres. They even have near-identical voices. It’s also obvious that he loves Yuna as much as Shuyin loved Lenne, maybe even more.” I paused for a moment, considering. “Yes, because Shuyin wanted to kill to save Lenne, but Yuna’s man was willing to die to save her.”

“Hmm. Deep,” said Nooj.

I looked over at him and smiled. “I know, corny. But no less true. Maybe that nails down the personality difference between Shuyin and the new boy: he’s a genuinely good person. Fun, too. I gather he’s an excellent fighter as well as a blitzball star, although I haven’t gotten much opportunity to see him in action.”

“What do you think he’ll do now?”

“When I left them, he and Yuna were planning to do the grand tour of Spira. The long way, on foot, no airships if they can help it. He’s seen it all before, of course, but mostly while rushing through on the way to Zanarkand, fighting fiends all the way. They want to do things like see the Moonflow at sunset, camp on the Thunder Plains, really talk to all their old friends. That’s why we were on the ferry together, but only as far as Kilika — they’re going to wander the forest, see the temple. It sounds like a blast, frankly. Then they’ll decide what they want to do next.”

“Well, I’m jealous.” Nooj sighed. “I can’t remember the last time I had the chance to just travel for fun. Or relax in any way, for that matter.”

I gave him a wry grin. “Keeping you busy, are they?”

“You have no idea. Baralai deals with most of the meetings and negotiations, and I depend a lot on Lucil, but it still seems like there’s always someone wanting me to talk with them or make a decision. That first day, half of them wanted me to run the whole show, and the other half wouldn’t trust me to make dinner. We’re making progress, but sometimes…” He trailed off. Then he chuckled. “You think Yuna’s man would make a politician?”

“Not really,” I said. “I see the appeal — bring in someone new, with no ties to New Yevon or the Youth League — but I don’t think he’s the type. I got the impression that he’s a bit of a hothead. For another thing, he’s not really neutral. Since he wasn’t raised on Spira, he never had any loyalty to the temples anyway, and then he and his friends were betrayed and hunted by Yevon at every turn. He’d have no sympathy for Bevelle or its supporters. I bet he’d have been Youth League all the way if he’d been here a year ago.”

“Interesting observation,” Nooj said. “See, you are good at this.”

“Being a good judge of character isn’t the only requirement for being in politics,” I replied. “And I’m not always right, that’s for sure.” That was dangerous ground and we both knew it, so I quickly changed the subject. “How are Baralai and Gippal? I haven’t seen either of them yet.”

“Well, Gippal’s not here — he’s off on Bikanel, where he’s been spending most of his time lately. He’s supposed to be coming back tonight, although probably not for long. Supposedly he’s helping analyze a big find they made recently, but we all know why he’s really there.” I raised an eyebrow and shook my head. Nooj grinned. “He’s taken up with Nhadala. Pitched his tent with hers, so to speak. Apparently he’s quite serious about her. Can you see that? Gippal, settling down?”

I laughed. “Well, if so, Nhadala’s a more likely candidate than most. She won’t take any crap from him, that’s for sure. Might chap Rikku’s hide a little, though.”

“Oh?”

“She’s never said anything definite, but I get the feeling she has a thing for him, or used to. Gippal dropped some hints, too, that they might have been together once. They’re both pretty vague about it, but Rikku’s pretty easy to read. Anyway, I’m not really worried about her — Rikku’ll bounce back, she’s good at that.”

Nooj nodded. “As for Baralai, he’s in a meeting. Which is where he spends most of his time, since he’s probably the best negotiator in Spira. Right now he’s leading long discussions with the Ronso and the Guado. Making a lasting peace between them might be the most important piece of this whole puzzle. Fortunately, Kimahri and Trommell have already laid the groundwork; getting their people to go along with it is the tricky part. Tough as it is, I think Baralai is enjoying it. But you know him, throwing himself into his work to distract himself from his life.”

This caught my attention. “What’s wrong with his life? I hadn’t heard…”

Nooj peered over his glasses, his brown eyes serious. “Well. He’s more than half in love with Yuna, you know, and he’s pretty depressed that she’s off the market, presumably for good.” My eyebrows shot up again — this was new, and surprising, information. “Yes, well, he’d always admired her, but he felt guilty about it, too, because he used to work for Seymour.”

“I know. We had words about it, once.”

“So that’s what happened between you two,” said Nooj, thoughtful. “I wondered. But you know, we all did things we regretted, after the cave.” He paused, as if considering whether to continue on that topic. Fortunately, he decided not to. “Anyway. Did Yuna tell you what happened to her when we met on the Farplane, gave her the old Crimson Squad recordings we found?”

“She said she met Shuyin, possessing Baralai, and he thought she was Lenne. That was the first time she knew for certain that Shuyin wasn’t the man she was searching for.”

Nooj slowly nodded. “Did anyone tell you what it was like, being possessed by Shuyin?” I shook my head. “Well, I won’t go into too many details now, but let’s just say I felt like myself, most of the time. My mind was usually my own. Occasionally Shuyin would talk to me, make suggestions, and they always seemed like good ones so I went along. I did do things I otherwise wouldn’t have done, but I only lost control and became Shuyin twice: when I shot the three of you on the Highroad, and during the confrontation in Bevelle. It was different for Baralai. He was Shuyin, from the moment Shuyin took possession beneath Bevelle until you fought them on the Farplane. Everything Shuyin thought and felt, Baralai thought and felt. So now imagine that you’re Baralai, feeling Shuyin’s emotions as if they were your own, and you meet his long-lost true love on the Farplane, who happens to be someone that you’ve also had feelings for.”

I began to realize what Nooj was getting at. “So a mild crush…”

“Explodes into what feels true love denied for centuries,” Nooj finished.

“Yikes.” I shuddered a little.

He nodded again. “On an intellectual level, he knows that he’s confusing Shuyin’s feelings with his own, and that he needs to sort out the difference. But he still took it pretty hard when we heard about the return of… damn, we really need a name for this guy.”

“I’ll find out,” I promised. “Anyway, no wonder Baralai is throwing himself into his work.”

“Yes. I don’t blame him. And it’s important work, and he’s good at it. Right now the stickiest point is allowing free passage for all the Guado back to Guadosalam. Most of them took refuge in Macalania, so that’s not a problem, but others fled to Baaj, and we want to make sure that the Ronso don’t bother their ships. Trommell’s already moved back into the palace, so that will help stabilize things there.”

Finally, the opportunity to ask the question I had been dying to ask, to get the answer I had been dreading. “So,” I said, keeping my voice as casual as I could manage, “where will Leblanc go then?”

“She’s here in Luca. Has been ever since the battle for VegnaGun. The Syndicate is effectively disbanded, although we’ve been talking about bringing it back together as an information network. I’m a little worried about those lieutenants of hers, but they want to help out and that seems the best use for them. She wants to be involved, too.”

“Involved in what way?” I asked, still playing nonchalant.

But Nooj saw through me. He’d always been good at that. “Paine–”

I stood abruptly, pushing my chair back from the table. “I take it back,” I said. “Never mind, it doesn’t matter, I don’t want to know.”

“Paine. I know you may not want to hear this. Lord knows I don’t want to tell you about it. But I can’t keep putting it off.” Nooj reached for his cane and leaned on it as he raised himself from the chair. He walked slowly over to the window and, gazing out at his view of the sea, began to speak.

“I met Leblanc several months ago. We’d had a few run-ins with the Syndicate, and she came blazing into our headquarters one day, angry that a League soldier had taken a sphere from one of her goons. She and I had a chat, and we decided it would be better to work together. The League got first crack at everything she found. If we didn’t want it, she’d be free to sell to the highest bidder. We’d also pass along spheres we found and didn’t want; she sold them for us and took a commission. It was a good deal — more spheres for us, more gil for her.”

He glanced quickly over to me, then returned his face to the window. “I have to be straight with you: I can’t be sure whether using the Leblanc Syndicate for spheres and information was my idea or Shuyin’s. And I can’t honestly say that Shuyin had no part in my decision to become involved with Leblanc personally. Baralai isn’t the only one who needs to sort through the truth of his thoughts. I’m sure about one thing, though: Shuyin never cared about Leblanc. He was using her, just like he used me and the others. I’m still working out how I really feel about her, but I think there’s something true there, or there could be. And I want to give it a shot.” He looked at me again, and I saw the truth of it in his eyes.

I felt a sudden flare of anger and stood up. “So you have something real with Leblanc? Does that mean that you never felt anything real for me?” I realized that I was shouting and stopped, taking a step back and crossing my arms across my chest.

“Of course not,” Nooj snapped back. “Don’t be a fool. Of course it was real between us, I loved you, dammit! But I–” He broke off and turned away from me, back toward the window.

“It’s not the same,” he said, after a long pause. “Those days with the Crimson Squad were both the best and worst of my life. Baralai and Gippal and I made the best team I had ever seen. You know that, you were there. We laughed and we fought and it was incredible. And I loved seeing it all through your eyes, seeing me through your eyes. But there was a terrible shadow over it all, every moment, because I wanted to die.” He swung his gaze back to my face, his eyes flashing. “Do you know what it’s like to want to die, to be finished with life?”

Mute, I shook my head.

“The day that Sin appeared and attacked my Crusader squad, I knew I was going to die. I threw myself into battle with no heed for my own life, because I didn’t plan to survive. My only thought was to take as many of those bastards with me as I could manage. I was resigned to death. By the end, when I lost consciousness, I was looking forward to it. Then I woke up in the healing tent, my body half gone, and it was a cruel disappointment. So many others desperate to live had died, but I was ready to die and lived. And for what? To carry on, half man, half machina, saved for some meaningless death someday? It seemed like a cosmic joke. And there was pain, so much pain. It’s faded over the years, but I still live with it every day, aches in my missing limbs that will probably never go away. I hated that I was alive, and I decided to change that fact as soon as I had the chance. I was determined to die in battle, to make my life meaningful in death. It was a bleak feeling, black and terrible. But I clung to it. It gave me a purpose, a reason not to throw myself off some cliff somewhere. Nooj the Undying? Hah!” He laughed, a hard and bitter chuckle, then slammed the window frame with his metal fist. “I was as good as dead inside. Only the body went on, what was left of it anyway.”

“Do you still feel that way?” I asked quietly.

“No.” He paused again, as if gathering his thoughts together, and bowed his head. “I’m not certain why. Maybe Shuyin changed me; he had an interest in keeping me alive, after all. I could feel his own desire for death, but it was different, more distant. Maybe some things Yuna said to me on the Farplane resonated. Or maybe it was facing Shuyin’s undying anger and bitterness. What if I left something like that behind? No, I’m no longer seeking death. But don’t you see?” He turned back from the window to face me. “When I think about you, what I felt for you, what I still feel, it brings me back to those black and ugly days. The emotions are all tangled up together and I don’t know how to separate them out. I don’t even know if I can.” His eyes met mine, and I saw truth again, truth and sorrow. “Leblanc… Leblanc is simpler somehow.” He managed a wry grin. “That doesn’t sound very complementary, does it? I don’t mean it that way. But it’s true. And you know, Paine, that ’simple’ is not a word that will ever describe you. Not that I mean that as an insult either.” He sighed. “This is coming out all wrong. I’m sorry. I wish things were different.”

“Don’t apologize,” I whispered. Then I cleared my throat and raised my voice to its normal volume. “Nooj. You have to be true to your feelings, and you can’t help what those are. I’m glad you told me all this. You were right, I needed to know. At least now the question isn’t hanging over my head.”

We stood, silently facing each other for a long moment. Then a sharp rap came at the door, and a soldier in a League uniform stepped through the doorway. “Meyven? Captain Lucil and Lord Isaaru are here to see you.”

Nooj grimaced, then turned toward the aide. “Thank you, Tal. Please tell them I’ll be along momentary.”

“Yes, sir.” The aide saluted with an arm across her chest and left.

“I have to go,” said Nooj, turning back to me. “I’m sorry I don’t have time to see you out. Will you be all right?”

I nodded slightly. Nooj headed toward the door, and I took his place at the window. The sea was blue under the nearly cloudless sky, gulls hanging in the air. I could see the dock where the Kilika Ferry waited, the scene of my arrival only a few hours earlier. It seemed like days. I felt rather than heard Nooj turn back, walk up behind me, and rest his hands on my shoulders. I closed my eyes. His machina hand was cool and heavy, the other surprisingly warm. I could turn around right now, I thought. I could turn around and kiss him, and he would be mine.

But I didn’t.

We stood that way, together yet apart, for a minute, or perhaps an eternity. Then he reached up with his natural hand and gently brushed my face with the backs of his fingers, stroking my cheek, running them along the top of my ear, bringing them back down to my shoulder and squeezing gently. Then he moved away, and I heard the thumping of his cane and machina leg as he walked through the doorway and down the hall.

When the sound had faded away, I opened my eyes and realized that they had filled with tears. But they did not fall, and I did not move for a long time.

-x-

Sunset. I stood on one of the landings of the stairs to the Highroad, leaning against the rail, watching the sun fall over the ocean. The view was lovely; too bad it clashed with my ugly mood.

“Paine!” came the shout from below. I didn’t even see Baralai running up the stairs until I was enfolded in his arms. He hugged me hard, then stepped back, smiling. “Nooj told me you were here. It’s good to see you.”

“Thanks,” I replied, a smile growing on my face. “Believe it or not, it’s nice to see you, too.” And as I said it, it became true. All the suspicion and anger, the bad feelings our last argument had left between us, melted away, leaving pure pleasure at seeing an old friend again. I lightly punched his arm. “How are you doing?”

“Fine, fine,” he said, a little too heartily. “Awfully busy, but then I always liked staying occupied.”

I reached out and laid a hand on his arm. “Hey. You don’t have to pretend. Nooj told me a little about what you went through with Shuyin. Sounds like it was rough.”

His smile faded slightly. “Yeah, well. I’ll survive.”

“You should find yourself some nice girl, take your mind off things,” I said, dropping my hand.

He arched an eyebrow. “Are you volunteering?” he asked. I rolled my eyes, and he laughed. Then his face became serious again. “So then, you talked to Nooj. Are you okay?”

I shrugged. “I suppose. I don’t know what I was expecting — I saw him with Leblanc, I know she’s crazy about him, and things were always so rocky with us anyway. I came here for answers, and I got them. It’s good to know the score, even if it says that I lost.”

“Please don’t talk like that,” said Baralai. “If anyone is a loser, it’s Nooj, for picking that shallow dimwit Leblanc over you.”

I smiled a little. “Thanks for the loyalty. But I have to disagree — Leblanc may be annoying, but she’s not stupid. And she did help him out a lot with the spheres and the League. And it’s not like he has all these warm and fuzzy memories of me. No, I understand why he made his decision. He’s happy with Leblanc, and I don’t think he’d be happy with me. And isn’t that what love is about? Wanting someone to be happy?” I laughed ruefully and shook my head. “It still sucks a little, though.”

“Well of course it does.” Baralai took my hand and gently pulled me over to a nearby bench. We sat in companionable silence for a moment. Then he leaned forward, putting his hands on his knees and turning his head to me. “So, are you here to stay? Want to join Spira’s first secular government in a thousand years?”

“You too?” I asked. “Nooj asked me the same thing. And I’ll tell you what I told him: no. I’m not a talker, I’m a doer.”

“Fair enough,” Baralai replied. “But I’m sure we’ll have a military soon. Maybe there’ll be a role for you there.”

I considered this idea. “That’s a thought,” I said. “Let me know when things get more settled.”

“What will you do in the meantime?” he asked.

“Go back to the Gullwings, probably, although with Yuna and Shinra both probably taking off I’m not sure how efficient we can be. ”

“If I know you and Rikku, you’ll find a way. ” He stood up, and reached out a hand to me. “Well, anyway. You hungry? Dinner will be ready soon, and Gippal should be back from Bikanel by now. It’d be great to have you.”

I reached for his hand and pulled myself up. “Sounds lovely, sir,” I replied with a mock curtsey. Baralai burst out laughing. He pulled my hand through the crook of his arm, and we walked down the stairs and into the evening, my future.